


Better Days

by Tokyo_the_Glaive



Series: He Calls Me Home [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5738284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tokyo_the_Glaive/pseuds/Tokyo_the_Glaive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Organa lends Finn something important, the First Order catches up, and Finn acts without thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Days

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dersteck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dersteck/gifts).



General Organa leaves Finn with a holovid and three books.

“You can read, can you not?” she had asked.  Her voice had been softer than her words seemed to warrant.

“Yes,” Finn said.  “I can read Basic.”  He ducked his head, embarrassed to have something so simple second-guessed.  But then again, was it so unwarranted, in the face of all he didn’t know?

“Good,” General Organa merely said.  “I’m sure you’ll find these helpful.”

Finn carries them carefully back to his room.  He passes Poe’s on the way, but his door is closed.  Poe tends to keep it open when he’s in there, so either he’s hiding, or he’s gone out.  Finn doesn’t know how to feel, so he tries not to feel anything at all.  He’d been good at it, once.  He tries not to long for it.

In the safety of his own room with the door shut--the door has a lock, but Finn doesn’t use it; he’s never had a room to himself before, much less a lock, and he harbors a fear of locking himself in and being abandoned when it comes time to move base--Finn sets the books down and stares at the holopad the General’s lent him for the purposes of watching the holovid.  With one touch, it comes to life, and an image appears.

Finn feels his heart in his throat, though he doesn’t have that exact expression in mind.  There, on the screen, is Han Solo--much younger, dashing and tan and handsome.  (These are all words Finn’s heard around the base describing Poe, and looking at young Han, Finn doesn’t think using them is so far off.)  Beside him is General Organa.  Finn recognizes her, but it takes him a long moment.  Her hair was darker, and her skin unlined then.  She smiles at whoever’s recording and laughs.  Finn figures it has to have been years since this was taken.

“Come on, Luke,” Han says through the holovid, “don’t make that face, this is serious!”

General Organa turns to Han.  “As if you’ve ever taken anything seriously,” she says.

Han grins.  “I’m marrying you,” he says.  “I take being Mr. Leia Organa very seriously.”  There’s a burst of laughter from off-screen, and Han throws a glare at the camera.  The effect is offset by the fact that he hasn’t stopped smiling.

“Can’t help it,” someone--Luke, Finn guesses; Luke Skywalker?--says, “when there’s a scruffy-looking nerf-herder holding my sister.”

Han makes a face and General Organa--Leia, Finn thinks, he hadn’t known her name before--laughs harder.

It goes on like that for a while.  Finn watches, mesmerized.  It’s so obvious, looking at Han and Leia, that they love each other dearly.  They stick close to one another, watching each other like the other could disappear at any moment--as if they’re each a miracle, something perfect and wonderful.

Finn’s chest is that now-familiar tightness, and he has to set the holovid aside for a moment.  People think that he and Poe are--this?  Finn has to sit down because he suddenly can’t breathe.  As if anyone would ever-- As if Finn _deserves_ \--

Finn doesn’t have time to question his own worthiness.  An alarm begins blaring, and only through conditioning does Finn not jump out of his own skin.  His door is thrown open, and all of a sudden Poe is  _there_.

“First Order’s found us,” Poe says.  “Grab your things and meet me at the hangar.   _Hurry!_ ”

Poe runs away from the door, BB-8 careening after him.  Finn gets to his feet just in time for the first tremors--the First Order doesn’t just know where the base is,  _they’re attacking_.

Finn grabs the holovid and the books and shoves them into a satchel.  He doesn’t know if General Organa has another copy of what she gave him, but he’s not risking it.  He grabs Poe’s old flight jacket, too--it still hasn’t been repaired, but Finn’s been too busy to learn how to fix it.  Nothing else really belongs to him--it’s all standard issue Resistance fair.  He does, however, grab a blaster.  He doesn’t know what he’s going to be facing on his way out, but he can be assured it isn’t going to be good.

He runs for the hangar.  The barracks are deserted already.  Finn assumes their previous occupants are safe because the alternative is too horrible.  He lurches outside with all of no grace and keeps running even as he scans the old base.  Finn sees no First Order craft have landed, but but can see the ships flying low.  They’re blasting everything they can see, including the hangar, which is currently on fire.

 _Poe_.

Finn runs.

There are a few stormtroopers on the ground.  Not even a full squadron; Finn can only see five of them.  They, too, are running toward the hangar.

Finn doesn’t so much think as feel.  He doesn’t know where they came from, but he’s got that blaster out, it’s in his hands, and he’s squeezing the trigger like his life depends on it.  He’s been practicing at the ranges when he feels like it won’t give him a panic attack, but this--

He doesn’t give them the opportunity to draw their weapons, much less speak.  All at once, there are five people on the ground.  Finn doesn’t remove their helmets as he passes over them, nearly flying as he runs.

* * *

Poe’s halfway into his fighter when he spots Finn.

“Finn!”

“Poe!”

“You’ve gotta get on that transport!” Poe says, pointing at a small ship sitting nearby.  People are boarding holding bundles and satchels, just like Finn.

“What are you doing?” Finn demands.

“Drawing the fire.  We’re going to draw attention away from the transporters so that you guys can get out.”

Finn feels something sharp and hard inside; “we” doesn’t actually include him.

“All right,” he says, taking a step back.  Poe looks at him, but they don’t have time for whatever he’s getting ready to say.  “Take care!”

Poe calls something, but a crash draws Finn’s attention.  Someone’s managed to land, otherwise they’ve taken down a transporter.

Finn runs, trying to keep his eyes on Poe as he takes off, leaving the hangar behind.  Finn’s nearly pulled aboard the last transporter by a man he barely recognizes--the one who’d called him Mr. Dameron.

“You holding up?” the man asks.

“No,” Finn says honestly.  “This thing have guns?”

The man points him down a hallway.  No one’s manning one of the guns so he takes it over, sliding into the seat just as he had on the Falcon.  This time, though, there’s no Han, no Chewie, and no Rey.   _No Poe, either_ , he thinks, remembering the TIE fighter and meeting Poe.  Finn wonders what Poe’s planning on doing, who he has as his gunner--but Finn can’t think about that now.  Poe’s already in the air trying to save their asses.  The least Finn can do is sit in the seat and try to hit a First Order ship.

“Are the troopers here?” Finn hears General Organa call.  What’s she doing on this transporter?  Why didn’t she leave with the first one?

“No, General,” someone responds.  Finn doesn’t get out of his seat to find out what it was about.  He’s been trained not to ask questions.

* * *

They escape, barely.  One of the transporters does go down.  There’s no time to mourn.

(Finn thinks they’re going to die.  It’s not that thought that frightens him so much as the thought of others--Poe, Rey, General Organa, even BB-8.  He can’t imagine what the galaxy would look like without them in it.  He doesn’t want to see that world.)

(Finn wonders about General Organa for a moment, about Han and Kylo Ren, and what she felt, what she still feels.  She’s smiling in that holovid, Finn thinks.  He doubts anyone’s seen that smile in years.  He can’t imagine that, doesn’t want to.)

* * *

The Resistance sets up in the Litha system.  Litha itself is a small and home to a vast ecosystem, none of it humanoid or sufficiently advanced to enable communication.  General Organa orders the troops to stay out of the forests unless traveling with someone else.  Finn doesn’t know much about Litha, but he’s seen several soldiers eyeing the trees with a cross of curiosity and fear and doesn’t question the General’s orders.

Finn and Poe reunite not long after Finn’s transporter touches down.  Finn finds that they’re already working to set up the infrastructure of a new base.  A barracks is already half assembled--Finn has no idea how they’ve accomplished that--and someone’s cooking, preparing dinner, Finn supposes, for the rest of them.

Poe clasps Finn on the shoulder and smiles at him.  They don’t have long; Poe’s called away for a debriefing on the skirmish, and Finn volunteers to unload what he can.  There’s all manner of heavy lifting to do, and Finn needs something to take his mind off of everything.

There are five bodies on D’Qar.  Finn put them there.  He works so that he can’t think about it.

* * *

Just when Finn thinks he’s settling down--his heart’s no longer pounding, and he doesn’t feel sick--it gets worse.  General Organa finds Finn.

“You were one of the last on the transporter,” she says, her tone blunt.

“Yeah,” Finn says, “I was.”

“Did you see any stormtroopers before you boarded?” She sounds serious, and her face has that haunted look to it again.

Finn swallows.  “I did.”

“Were they alive, or had the First Order gotten to them?”

Finn hesitates.  “They were alive,” he says slowly.  “There were only a few of them, and they were headed toward the hangar, and…”

Something shifts in General Organa’s face.  “Oh,” she says.

It hits Finn, then.  Why the stormtroopers didn’t have their weapons out, why they were running for the hangar, why there were only five of them and not a squadron.  Finn’s knees go weak.

“It’s all right,” she says.  Finn slides to the ground.  There’s mud and dirt everywhere, and Finn thinks he can’t stand up.  “It’s all right.”

* * *

Poe’s sent to get him.  Finn’s shaking by the time he arrives.

“Get him lying down,” General Organa orders, “and something to eat.  Now.”

Poe nods at her and looks down at Finn.

“Come on, buddy,” he says, hoisting Finn up.  “What’s wrong?”

Finn can’t talk.  He’s holding that satchel--he remembers the holovid, how Leia looked so _happy_ , how Han was alive and Skywalker hadn’t run off--and he can’t say anything.  He thinks he’s crying.  He feels entitled to it.

Poe carries him back into the transporter and sets him down on a cot.  Poe strips him of his trousers efficiently.

“Here,” Poe says.  “It’s not quite the same, but you won’t get cold.”  He gives Finn a blanket, and Finn wraps it around his waist gratefully.  Poe holds up the trousers.  “I’m afraid these’ll need the laundry.”

Finn swallows but doesn’t speak.  Poe comes to sit beside him.

“Whatever happened,” Poe says, “I’m here.”

Finn leans closer to Poe and breathes.  Quietly, he tells Poe about the stormtroopers.  He can’t quite finish the story.  By the end he’s sucking in air through his teeth and failing to keep his eyes dry of tears.

Poe just wraps him in a full-body hug and rests his head on Poe’s shoulder, his chin digging into Finn’s clavicle.

“There was no way to know,” Poe says.  It helps, just a little, but Finn hadn’t even _thought_ , just reacted, and wasn’t that what his training had told him? Shoot first, shoot again if still alive?  The thought makes him want to retch.  Maybe he’s not shaking off his training, maybe he’s sinking deeper and--

“Buddy,” Poe says.  “Come on, Finn.  Stay with me here.”

Finn’s breathing is way off.  It’s been a long while since he was last like this.  He hadn’t missed it.

“You and I are safe,” Poe says.  “General Organa is safe.  The Resistance is still here.”

“But they were--”

“--trying to defect,” Poe interrupts, “yes.  But right now, we need to worry about you, okay?”

Anger wells in Finn.  He doesn’t know what he wanted Poe to say, but that wasn’t it.

“No one should have to worry about me,” he snaps.  He almost doesn’t recognize his own voice.  “I failed, I’m a failure, I…”

Poe doesn’t say anything, just rocks him back and forth.

“I killed them,” Finn says.  “That makes me no better than the Order.”

Poe squeezes him tight.  “It’s a war, Finn.  People get hurt.”

“They were trying to defect to our side,” Finn says.

“Finn…”

Finn sucks in a deep breath as he hears a knock on the door.  It opens before either Finn or Poe can speak.

Finn recognizes one of the pilots, but he doesn’t know the name.

“Poe,” the pilot says, “we need you out here.”

“Not right now,” Poe says.  The pilot looks between Finn and Poe.

“You can go,” Finn says quietly.  Poe shakes his head even as Finn pushes him off as best as he can.  Poe stands, looking guilty and a little hurt.  “Please leave.  I’ll be fine.”

Poe looks like he’s going to say something else, but he doesn’t.  He heads into the corridor of the transporter and shuts the door behind him.  Finn hits the lights so that he’s in darkness.  Only then does he allow himself to cry.  He takes that blasted jacket out of his satchel and breathes in.  It’s burnt and torn and it needs a good washing.  Just more signs of Finn’s failure.

He remains there until he sleeps.

* * *

Finn wakes as he hasn’t in a very long time: screaming, hoarse and--surprisingly--alone.

It’s then that he remembers that he sent Poe away.  Finn sits up and holds his head in his hands.  He’s trembling.  He doesn’t remember what he dreamed about, and he’s grateful for that, but the aftershocks are something terrible.

There’s a knock at the door.  Finn tries to say “come in” but his throat is too dry, and his mouth itches.

The door opens anyway.  It’s no one Finn recognizes.

“Hi,” the person says.  “You’re Finn, right?  Finn Dameron?”

Finn nods slowly.

“I’m Iolo.  I’m a pilot, like Poe.” Iolo takes a step toward Finn.  “I heard you screaming.  Are you all right?”

Finn hesitates, then nods to signify yes.  Iolo hesitates, too.

“Listen, Poe’s real worried about you, too,” Iolo says.  “Do you want me to go find him?”  Finn tilts his head, and Iolo bites a lip.  “You were screaming his name.”

Finn goes hot and cold all at once as he remembers the nightmare.

* * *

Poe’s bleeding.  Finn has something that looks suspiciously like Chewbacca’s bowcaster.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Poe says.  There’s blood on his teeth as he smiles, and it drips down his nose.  His chest is a mass of blood and burnt tissue and exposed organs.  “It’s a war.  People get hurt.”

Finn drops the bowcaster as Poe pitches forward.

* * *

“No,” he says.

“No, you don’t want me to go find him?” Iolo asks.  

Finn startles, then hesitates.  “No, it’s…” He holds his head in his hands.  “Please, if you can find him.”

Iolo smiles, tight and not at all authentic.

“I’ll send him here.”

* * *

Iolo offers to get the lights for Finn, but Finn says no, so as Iolo leaves, sending Finn one last confused glance, the room once more returns to pitch black.  Finn fumbles for the switch and ends up tripping over that blanket Poe had given him, hitting himself hard in the chin.  It hurts, and while Finn’s used to hurt, he’s feeling particularly sensitive right now.

When Poe comes, Finn’s still there, on the floor.  He’s not crying now, but he feels like a fool and fears that he looks about as good as he feels.

Poe picks him up and sets him back on that little bed and doesn’t let go.

“I’m sorry,” Finn says.

“It’s fine.”

“I need you to forgive me.”

Poe’s quiet for a long moment, so long Finn’s not sure he spoke so much as thought those words.

“I forgive you, Finn,” Poe says.  He holds Finn close and Finn allows himself to be held.  They don’t say much, and Poe doesn’t leave.  They sleep, Poe in his uniform, Finn in his shirt, pants, and that blanket, clutching Poe’s old flight jacket, until morning.


End file.
